“why am i not better” by Ethan Jewell
Written for Tongue Tied Magazine, May 2022
Ethan Jewell, a Texas-based poetry artist, has taken emotional and musical expression to an entirely new level with "why am i not better".
Photo by Bryce Mitchell
An advocate for mental health awareness, this latest release from Ethan seems to taunt the performative actions taken by society surrounding the topic - posting positive quotes, uplifting graphics, and even the blatant romanticizing of depression, anxiety, etc. However, if anyone has dealt with mental illness, it can lead to many days of isolation, the loss of friends and relationships, and even opening up an entirely new downward spiral of self-loss. No amount of toxic positivity can prevent this.
During this three-minute and twenty-three second spoken word, Ethan repeats the title "why am i not better". He openly wonders about the obstacles in his way that are preventing him from recovering - losing friends, forgetting to eat and sleep, even drowning in tears and emotion - and why the people and methods in place to help him only seem to be working against him. With a rather sinister sounding tune and raw, sincere words, Ethan is developing an entirely new genre he calls "musical poetry". It's contrasting to a lot of musical poetry I've heard thus far, one example coming to mind being the work of Hobo Johnson, who plays on a more comical, uplifting way of storytelling. The world could use more of what Ethan is putting out into the world: straight forward and relatable words of struggle. Current music tends to play with lyrics that are left up to the interpretation of the listeners and in some ways that can lead to more harm than good. We all struggle at one time or another, so why sugar coat it with theories and metaphors.
Ethan is known for his aid in those struggling with mental illness, stating "I simply want people to understand that they must feel their feelings, no matter how uncomfortable that may be". In a time where generations before us are telling us to "suck it up" and "deal with it", Gen X is fighting back with the idea that mental health is just as important, if not more important, than physical health. We can only ignore our emotions for so long before they explode around us, and following a message like Ethan's allows us to better understand ourselves as well as those around us. If I took anything away from "why am i not better” it's that the you are the only person who can decide when it's time to recover. Unfortunately, the ones we love and those who are willing to care for us can only do so much. True recovery comes from within. No amount of Instagram stories or Twitter hashtags can push us in the right direction until we take those first steps.
And to anyone who says we need to exercise more or practice "thinking positively" to rid ourselves of these emotions, fuck you.
Ethan Jewell
Listen to “why am i not better” here.